She suffered for over an hour, be-
fore finally dying, and as soon as she 
did, a rush hit me that was so intense,
it literally dropped  me to my knees,  
and I’m not fucking lying either.      
     A second later,  I started to     
laugh, but a bomb went off in my head  
instead, and I realized, WHAT THE FUCK!
I’D JUST FUCKING DONE!!                
     My mind suddenly went numb with   
the shock, as the guilt, like a cold,  
dark acid, began eating away at every- 
thing except that evil fucking thing   
that could never be fixed or undone.   
     You have no idea what real guilt  
is like until you’ve deliberately kil- 
led an animal and have to live with    
that last look, and that last ques-    
tion, forever.                         
     A loving, trusting and defenseless
* pet, my pet, Scratches, pleading with    
me until the very end, and then just   
finally giving up, but still wanting to
know why.                              
     Why are you doing this to me?     
     OH, MY FUCKING GOD! WHAT KIND OF  
EVIL FUCKING MONSTER HAVE I BECOME?!!  
     Three days later, I’d lost my job 
by then, and I didn’t care, because    
after the Darkness, a video started up 
in my head that wouldn’t stop playing. 
     Over and over again, I’d watch    
myself kill Scratches, and then I’d see
that last look again, and again, and   
again; until finally, after three days,
I couldn’t take it anymore.            
     “What the fuck is wrong with me!” 
I screamed and started hitting myself, 
and it felt so fucking good.           
     After the blood started to flow, I
stopped and remembered that solid wood 
beam in the middle of my bedroom.      



CHAPTER 1: WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 15th
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