If I’m on the top of a ten-story  
building, and I see someone hurting an 
animal across the street, I will liter-
ally walk off the side of the  building
to save that animal. It’s just like I’m
stepping  off the curb and crossing the
street, except I’m ten stories up,  and
I don’t have a safety net, but I do    
have a magic rope.                     
     If I have time to think about it, 
I can usually stop myself, but most of 
the time, I’m not even thinking about  
the consequences, about Beth, our      
babies, or nothing. I’m already fal-   
ling off the side of the building, and 
that’s what really scares the fuck out 
of me, Doc.                            
     You might think I’m lyin’ about   
stepping off buildings, and shit like  
that, but wait until I tell you about  
* what happened two weeks ago.             
     If you get that far, of course.   
     So, grab a beer, a coffee, or     
whatever gets you the fuck comfortable,
and strap yourself in, because this is 
gonna be one hell of a wild fucking    
ride.                                  
     Screaming, of course, is always   
optional.                              
     First, before I get into the real-
ly bad part, let me explain how I got  
my nick, the Criminal.                 
     You already know about my fanta-  
sies, but what you don’t know is that  
long before I found out how bad they   
were, I loved them.                    
     As a matter of fact, some of my   
earliest memories are of me sitting on 
my bed and imagining some of the weird-
est shit, that even to this day, I     
still haven’t been able to top.        



CHAPTER 1: WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 15th
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